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Table Manners - 10 Lessons in Brick-And-Mortar Casino Etiquette
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07-Oct-2008, 15:35
You’d think that, somewhere in-between gelling their pompadours to rigid perfection and starching their Hawaiian shirts till they’re stiff as steel beams, patrons of brick-and-mortar casinos would take a moment to look in the mirror before they leave home and remind themselves that they’re going out in public. But walk into any old land-based casino these days and you’re bound to see scads of people who just don’t have the manners God gave a poop-slinging monkey: Off-hours schoolmarms braying obscenities at a craps shooter—otherwise upstanding doctors and lawyers telling a roulette croupier where to insert his wheel…. The list of offenders could literally go on and on.
Now, obviously, when someone starts losing their hard-earned dough hand-over-fist, you can’t expect them to be all sunshine and giggles. And, while we here at GP do try to give you enough insight into the games to keep that from happening, there will always be days at the tables when it seems some cartoon storm cloud had decided to hover overhead. The important thing, though, is that you can take the bad days with a bit of class and grace—instead of taking your losses out on the folks sitting next to you.
No doubt, the following list of dos and don’ts could apply to almost anything you do in life. And it kind of boggles the mind to think so many people reach legal gambling age without already knowing them. But, considering that many of us here at GP have experienced a king’s share of ill-mannered bettors in our time, we figured a full rundown of casino etiquette stands a bit of treatment. After all, while minding your p’s and q’s at an online table might not matter much, acting like a jerk in a land-based casino can get you cold-cocked—which, even if you’re winning, ain’t too pleasant.
Rule No. 1: Know the Game
This would seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many people will actually bet on something they didn’t even know existed five minutes before. Seriously, nobody wants to sit there and explain the rules of the game to you while they’re trying to concentrate on their hand or bets. And, if you ask a dealer, you’re just as likely to get the wrong explanation because there’s no incentive for a casino to make sure you know your stuff.
The really annoying part about this one, though, is that folks who come up to a table without an inkling of what’s going on slow up the game. What’s more, you’re liable to wreck someone’s strategy interrupting him as he decides on that last minute bet since, no doubt, the casino’s not going to stop the game while he gives you a tutorial.
Rule No. 2: Don’t Insert Yourself
Die-hard gamblers are a superstitious bunch, and many of them have a notion that an extra player at a poker or blackjack table will wreck the flow of the deal. As a general rule, you should never buy into a game in the middle of the deck, shoe, roll or spin. The one exception to this is, of course, if you’re trying to pull off an old-fashioned Wonging (See our article: Card Counting for the Rest of Us) in which case you’ll need to enter a blackjack game mid-shoe to make the strategy work. The best policy in this situation, then, is to simply ask: “Do you mind if I buy in?” If the other players say, “no,” you can sit down knowing you’ve created minimal drama; if they say, “Yes, actually we do mind”... well, that’s your cue to go find another table.
For mid-hand buy-ins, however, there is absolutely no exception. If you try to do this, whether it be at a blackjack, hold’em, roulette, pai-gow, craps or baccarat table, the dealer will normally just ignore you. Sometimes, of course, they will drop everything they’re doing to let you in—especially if you persistently nag them. But, once you’ve gotten in, you can expect you’ve just entered a hornets nest of people who aren’t too keen on having everything stopped just so you can have your way.
Rule No. 3: Mind Your Butts—And Chewing Gum
Yes, casinos are some of the last establishments in the “free world” to permit smoking, but you don’t have to be obnoxious about it. Normally, the cocktail waitresses will be more than happy to provide you with those little, tin ashtrays if you ask, so there’s absolutely no excuse for flicking your ashes all over the place. Face it: Nobody likes a butthead (or arm, or shoe, or carpet… etc., etc.). And, considering that plenty of people in the brick-and-mortar casino community enjoy their cigarette privileges, most of them aren’t too keen on having them taken away because the casino’s tired of cleaning its carpets.
If, on the other hand, you’re addicted to chewy little morsels of tree sap, absolutely, positively NEVER smack and crack that junk at a casino table, and as with the cigarettes, dispose of it properly. After all, people at gaming tables are normally trying to concentrate—and concentrate on their money, no less. Simply put, then, there’s really no tolerance at a table for someone who’s trying to act like a secretary in a 1980s teen movie or who likes flicking the stuff where an unsuspecting shoe can find it.
Rule No. 4: Keep Your Hands off Other Peoples’ Chips
Let’s put it this way: Do you like it when a complete stranger starts fondling your cash? Didn’t think so. ‘Nuff said.
Rule No. 5: Talk Trash at Your Own Risk
When you lose, don’t start screaming cuss words, accusing the dealer of cheating and jumping up and down saying, “I don’t want it!” And, by the same token, don’t gloat, act superior, give patronizing advice to other players or break out with an “I told ya so!” when you win. For one thing, this kind of behavior is distracting to the enth degree. But, even more importantly, you probably won’t win any brownie points with that surly guy who just lost £2,000 by rubbing your latest big take in his face.
Rule No. 6: Be Kind to the Staff
Taking people’s money by the truckloads can be one hellova thankless job. And dealers, cocktail waitresses and pit personnel sure as heck don’t need you making it harder on them. Don’t, for instance, call the dealer a cheat and tell him he’s shuffling the deck or spinning the wheel wrong. And don’t try and play grabass with the cutie pie who’s working her way through college passing out French martinis.
But the biggest part of this being “kind” spiel is that you should always tip the casino staff when you’re ahead; if you’ve got a sound system or strategy and it’s working, share the wealth! Normally, waitresses and dealers—like most people—aren’t getting paid what they think they’re worth, and they’re usually hoping you tip so they can pay their rent. What’s more, plenty of professional gamblers attest to mechanics dealing a player in like he’s a shill or croupiers aiming a roulette ball for the numbers a player’s bet if they’ve been seeing a bit of the action too. Generally, the best way to get any dealer’s attention in this way is to simply make sure you’ve both got a common interest: Instead of giving a flat-out tip, make a separate bet beside your own and say “This one’s for the dealer.” That way, you’ll have the gentleman or lady with the cards pulling for you too.
Rule No. 7: Don’t Get Hammered
You know that drunk who’s constantly launching slurred sentimentalities on a waft of alcohol stench? Yeah, don’t be that guy.
Although the drinks are usually free when you’re sitting at a casino table, boisterous, booze-soaked shenanigans such as spilling your rum and coke all over the table simply aren’t cool. Casinos, as a rule, encourage drinking because it gets people to make ludicrous bets, but make no mistake, if you get too out of hand, you’ll be out the door faster that a pig on skates.
Rule No. 8: Don’t Fiend for Comps:
Comps are little consolation prizes casinos give to people who blow thousands and thousands of quid on their games. From one stand point, if we’re doing our jobs right here at Gambling Planet—and you actually pay attention to our strategy articles—you shouldn’t lose even an inkling of what you’d need to, to be properly comped.
But, even supposing you do blow enough geld, a comp is never something to be proud of or desired. Who, after all, wants to spend £500 just so they can get a free bap in the casino’s café? What’s more, in the process of procuring your costly snack, you’ll have annoyed enough of the pit personnel that they’ll be gunning for you the rest of the night. So take a tip: if you get comped at a casino, enjoy your free table scraps in silence. Otherwise, don't even mention the "C" word.
Rule No. 9: Don’t Be a Space Hog:
No, not swine in rocket ships, you dope—people who sit there and take up slot machines they’re not using, table seats they’re not filling, and any number of other offenses that entail abnormally piggish behavior. As a rule of thumb, if the gaming floor’s busy, restrict your slot empire to just one machine. More than one machine, after all, won’t really improve your odds, and you’ll just be taking up more real estate than you actually need.
Also, if you have to get up to go potty or give the ‘ole gluts a stretch, make it quick and signal that you’ll be back by turning an empty coin cup or clean—and we stress clean—ashtray upside-down on your seat. If, on the other hand, you’re gonna be a while, then be a while—just give somebody else a chance to play by freeing up the spot.
Rule No. 10: Keep It Clean
Some people are just chip slobs. You know the kind: piles of chips spread all over the felt, bets that look like somebody upended a bag of Skittles onto the table. Seriously, we’re sorry if you’re one of these people, but letting your end of the table look like your college dormroom sucks.
More than that, though, it’s actually pretty stupid. Just think how much easier it would be, for instance, to keep your chips in neat, evenly spaced piles with, say, ten chips in each stack. If you’ve got five piles with ten £1 chips in each stack, you can tell you've got £50 in no time! What's more, this will not only help you keep track of how much you’ve won or lost, but will also help you count out your bets quickly enough to get them in when (as with roulette) there’s a limited amount of time to make them.
So yeah, tidiness ain't just something your momma said looks good. It's a matter of basic strategy. With neat and evenly arranged piles, you won’t have to worry about getting your chips mixed up with someone else’s. And, when it’s time to cash in, you can be sure that the dealer’s payout is right on the money because you'll already know what you're holding before you hand your chips over.